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From this trans mouth to all cis ears, we wouldn’t still be explaining pronoun usage if the general conversation about transness were up to us. If it were, there would be much more mainstream discussion about our community’s ability to access affordable housing, health care, and the ongoing legislative onslaught against trans youth. Nevertheless, since pronouns are still a point of confusion for so many (including in the LGBTQ+ community), we’re here to address one of the main lingering wrinkles of this subject: folks, like me (hi! she/they), who use multiple sets of pronouns.
Those of us who go by more than a single set of pronouns — whether she/they, they/he, or she/xe, for instance — often face a number of questions when introducing ourselves: But which should I use? Seriously, though, do you have a preference? Am I supposed to use them all at once? For starters, lots of folks who use multiple sets of pronouns are fine with them being used interchangeably, though not all. Gently asking if someone uses one set in particular contexts versus another is usually better than assuming. Some folks may even feel affirmed through using multiple sets simultaneously — i.e. “he/they went to the store.” Though since this latter example is a less common preference, it's probably safest to ask in advance if this approach feels good. Whatever answer you get, don't press folks if it's not totally clear to you — the reasons one uses one set versus another in certain situations can be personal, and sometimes we just don’t feel like getting into all that.
Before we get too deep into these questions, it’s essential to illuminate why someone would use more than one set of pronouns to describe themself. (Some folks, it should be noted, do not use pronouns at all and instead go by only their name; call them that.)
As for me, I do so to acknowledge the fact that my gender as a non-binary person cannot be reduced to being “a they.” In fact, it can’t be contained in any single word. The point isn’t that it can be contained in two words — she and they. Rather, in the murk of asking that folks shift between the two, I resist linguistic structures that prioritize classification and stability over expression and fluidity. I become a queer little problem for anyone — indeed any system — aiming to absorb the rupture wrought by non-binaryness by casting it as a third gender. This is all to say I locate my identity less within the pronouns she/they, and more through the conjunction that joins them: not or, but and. And affords an openness to multiplicity, to those changes upon changes that construct our ever-forming selves.
There are as many reasons for using multiple pronouns sets as there are binary-busting beauties who go by them. With that in mind, we knew that no conversation on the subject could come from one mind alone. So we sought the perspectives of writers, artists, therapists, drag performers, models, chefs, sex workers, and poets, including Brandon Kyle Goodman (he/they), Lexi Chandra (she/they), J. Teodoro (he/they), Summer Bedard (she/he), Kamil Oshundara (they/she), Christopher Ikonomou (he/xe), Bobby Sanchez (he/she/they), Silas Perry (he/they), Alex Jenny (they/she), and Chala Tyson Tshitundu (they/he).
Presented together, these reflections do not constitute a how-to guide, because ultimately there is no single correct model for addressing those in your life who use multiple sets of pronouns. They represent something more akin to a constellation of experiences, and by tracing them, we can find a deeper (though not comprehensive) understanding of the varied ways we can affirm, respect, and love each other through language. By embracing this tendency toward complexity, we might all become more attuned to the beauty of gender as more than a box to check, but rather a medium for limitless expression.
How did you arrive at the pronouns you use these days?
Chala Tyson Tshitundu (they/he): I arrived at the pronouns I use today through a lot of inner work that required me to process gender-based trauma I didn't know I still held. I was raised by a Congolese Roman Catholic father and a Jehovah's Witness mother, so gender roles were ingrained in me before I took my first breath. They/them will always feel like a warm hug to me, because they celebrate the expansiveness of existing outside of the gender binary, but he/him pronouns have allowed me to step into my masculinity in ways I previously thought impossible. Using multiple sets of pronouns interchangeably is how I affirm and honor the multitudes that my spirit and personality contain.
Alex Jenny (they/she): I often joke about the he/him to he/they to they/them to they/she to she/her to she/they pipeline when describing how I arrived at my current pronouns. I was more adamant about using she/her pronouns only before I started to medically transition to emphasize how I'm a woman no matter what I look like, especially when I still presented with my facial hair. After I started to medically transition and felt more confident about being respected as a woman, I felt it was important to remind people that I am still a nonbinary trans woman. Using she/they pronouns is a way for me to affirm that my womanhood is not binary and cannot be understood within cisheteronormative understandings of what it means to be a woman; I am a woman, sure, but I am also so much more.
Summer Bedard (she/he): For a long time, I was content with the she/her pronouns that I was given at birth, because I do feel very in touch with divine femininity and womanhood. When I realized I was non-binary — that I feel I am both a woman and a man and everything in between — I thought that only using she/her wasn’t quite conveying who I really was. I added they/them pronouns to the docket because that seemed to be the default identifier for non-binary people. As I’ve gotten more comfortable with my gender and my masculinity, I now prefer she/her and he/him pronouns used interchangeably. They/them is great as a safe catch-all when people are unsure, but I love hearing myself referred to as both she and he because they convey the divine femininity and masculinity that I feel every day. I am a girl and a boy, and I want that to be known.
Brandon Kyle Goodman (he/they): He/him/his was what I grew up knowing and how I’ve always been referred to as. In the last two years I’ve finally had the emotional capacity to question my gender through the guiding question of, “Who would I be if society never got its hands on me?” Reckoning with this question started gradually and then all bubbled to the surface this last summer in the midst of becoming more visible in the fight for racial justice and Black lives. I realized that I had denied this piece of myself that doesn’t fit neatly into a box (or binary). I think “man” or he has always felt a little uncomfortable. But she didn’t feel right either (other than when kiking with my fellow queers). After reading and connecting with other enby folx, I decided that I wanted to also use they/them pronouns. And when I said it out loud for the first time it was a Cinderella moment. It just fit.
Kamil Oshundara (they/she): I use they/she because I identify as a fluid person who’s had the life experience of a woman and femme, so I use my pronouns to honor the divine feminine energy that also makes me who I am. For me, they embodies my wholeness, which is a mix of masc and femme energy that resides outside of the binary. I will always revere the Black women who created me, gifted me community, and instilled a deep knowing within me that’s shaped how I view the world. But I no longer ascribe to the limitations and expectations of womanhood as the core of who I am. Every day I am failed by the binary. I often battle with whether I should resist it by refusing to identify with she at all, or labor to expand its scope. Yet I’ve realized that I don’t have to pick. Fluidity is masc, femme, both, and neither. I use they and she to honor this delicate intersection.
Christopher Ikonomou (he/xe): When I first came out as a binary trans man in 2017, I only used he/him pronouns because they were the “default.” Right before entering college, in 2019, a friend of mine was experimenting with neopronouns, and I decided to take a look, too. Xe/xem really caught my eye. Seeing them for the first time was an epiphany for me. In high school, I was so focused on just being able to “pass” as male that I didn’t give much thought to what truly gave me gender euphoria. Around this time I also realized I related to terms like gendervoid and genderqueer, which threw some interesting wrinkles into my identity. I still hold a strong link to manhood and masculinity, and using both he/him and xe/xem brings light to the complex relationship I have with my gender. My pronouns also speak to my connection to voidpunk, the subculture where one embraces being alienated from society. Neopronouns in and of themselves are “weird” and otherworldly to so many people, and using them in tandem with “normal” pronouns just makes me feel so euphoric and queer and powerful.
Are there specific contexts where you prefer one set of pronouns more than another, or are you more into folks using your pronouns interchangeably?
J. Teodoro (he/they): I am comfortable with either pronoun being used with me at any given moment. I do not prefer one set versus the other, because even if I am portraying a more “feminine” figure, I know that I am still also a man. Though folks may be familiar with how drag performers change their pronouns when in and out of drag, I’m not doing drag when I dress up more “feminine.” That’s why my he/they pronouns give me more clarity with myself and others, allowing me to embrace that sometimes I feel like a man but sometimes I don't.
Alex Jenny (they/she): I really appreciate having they/them used when I'm in queer and trans spaces. It feels like freedom in that context. I can be free to be feel the fullness of what it means to be trans and a woman and nonbinary and none of the above without the pressure to have to perform a certain kind of womanhood in order to "earn" or legitimize using she/her pronouns. With people I don't know as well, or in cis straight spaces in particular, I will always prefer she/her pronouns. I also only use she/her pronouns when I'm in drag.
Chala Tyson Tshitundu (they/he): I'm way more comfortable switching between pronouns in social situations where I know people have an understanding of gender fluidity. I'm still fairly new to using multiple pronouns, so I'm still testing how comfortable I feel using my more gendered pronouns (he/him) in professional settings, because I don't want anyone assuming that I identify as a man just because I'm transmasculine. I also have they and them tattooed on my knuckles, so those pronouns will always feel like home.
Brandon Kyle Goodman (he/they): I like to say that he/him/his is for the people and they/them/theirs is for me. Of course anyone can use them interchangeably, as I still do, but mostly I use both because, if I’m being 100% honest, I don’t have the emotional capacity to correct people right now. I got enough going on with the pandemic, my racial identity, my sexuality, and my gender identity. There’s a ton of educating I’m doing and offering both sets of pronouns is really so I don’t have to do more emotional labor. One of the things every enby person I’ve spoken to has told me is to “know that the world doesn’t get to determine if you’re non-binary enough; You are who you are, period.”
Even if you don’t change your pronouns, you are who you are. One day I may decide that I want to just use they/them, but right now I’m in a place where I’m fine with having both, because I’m not defined by either. I know who I am, and the people that matter to me know who I am, and that’s enough for me right now.
Silas Perry (he/they): Navigating being a freelance filmmaker as a trans person has been an interesting experience, where I’m constantly working with and having to introduce myself to new groups of people. Which means constantly having to tell people my pronouns. When I’m on set with predominantly cis people (which is 95% of the time) I just say I use he pronouns because it involves less explaining and hopefully less questions. And in the end I usually get called they anyway though becuse of some cis people’s habits of calling all trans people they regardless of their actual pronouns. But outside of work, I use he/they in all other aspects of my life.
You’ve just introduced yourself to someone, and they’ve politely asked you how to navigate using multiple sets of pronouns. How do you typically respond?
Lexi Chandra (they/she): I respond to folks who ask me which pronouns to use by not really giving them what they really want, an out. My pronouns are not a preference, therefore I do not “prefer” one set of pronouns more than another set of pronouns. Just because I list my pronouns she/they as such does not mean I prefer she more than they. Both are important to me and I need not simplify my set of pronouns for anyone.
Christopher Ikonomou (he/xe): Unless I know they’re queer or trans, I just say using he/him is fine. I usually don’t have the energy or patience to explain how to use my other pronouns or why I use both, especially to people who may make fun of me or lash out. I have a habit of discrediting myself and calling my pronouns confusing to make other people feel more comfortable in these sorts of situations. I need to work on prioritizing my needs on that one. It of course feels great when people automatically call me he/him in public, but it also feels bittersweet that most people don’t care to read the other pronoun pin I’m wearing. In an ideal world, if getting people to use both pronouns didn’t take so much effort every time, I’d love to have them used equally in all contexts to affirm my identity.
Summer Bedard (she/he): I tell people to use both sets. Most people just use she/her because that’s familiar and I won’t fault them for that, but if someone is genuinely trying to make me feel seen then they will use both she and he.
Those of us who use multiple sets of pronouns destabilize normative associations between certain identities and the words generally used to describe them. In what ways would you say the existence of folks like us pushes the world closer toward seeing gender as the expansive constellation of multifaceted experiences it is?
Bobby Sanchez (he/she/they): The existence of people who use multiple pronouns gives me hope for the future because it makes me feel like there are others like me out there. Identity evolves and so does the way we describe it. There were gender fluid societies before colonization, and we must decolonize the Eurocentric gender construction in order to create a better, safer planet. Claiming to be trans, non-binary, Two-Spirit, and queer and using multiple pronouns as well as they/them helps us move towards a day where gender identity is validated and respected throughout society.
Alex Jenny (they/she): It's an important reminder that our pronouns and labels can mean different things to different people, and that these specific pronouns aren't limited to certain genders. He/him isn't exclusive to men, she/her isn't exclusive to women, they/them isn’t exclusive to nonbinary people, etc. We create meanings out of the pronouns and labels we use and those meanings can always shift.
Christopher Ikonomou (he/xe): I think it shows our desire for knowing ourselves as intimately as we can. There’s an option for all of us to just use one term or one set of pronouns or to push ourselves to be simple and palatable. But I think a lot of people (especially queer and trans people) have a deep curiosity about our identities because they’re not how we’re “supposed” to feel. Once you take the first step of allowing yourself to be something other than “normal” or “conforming” or “typical,” the possibilities of expressing your identity are endless. The terms we invent will keep evolving to make us feel comfortable and safe with ourselves and within the world. It’s beautiful that something as simple as pronouns can express such deep meaning and comfort.
Kamil Oshundara (they/she): I believe we’re all multifaceted beings to some degree, ever-evolving within our intersections. So, it only makes sense that we use pronouns that express our fluid sense of self; embodying the ebb and flow of our inner truth. In Ifa we say, “whatever the priest speak, let it manifest.” Words are celebrations, affirmations, and prayers. For me, they/she represents who I am, and choosing to honor that identity also radiates liberation from the binary.
Silas Perry (he/they): My use of multiple pronouns is emblematic of how important pronouns can be for people navigating their identities, in both discovering ourselves and also in asserting to the world the multitudes we can contain. At the end of the day, as a non-binary person, I’m not sure if any combination of pronouns can truly encapsulate my boy dyke faggotry, but so far he/they has worked for me, and I’m thankful for that.
Summer Bedard (she/he): People who use multiple pronouns are tapping in — tangibly and linguistically — to the inherent multitudes that we all possess as humans. I am so much more than a woman or a man; I am both and then some. We all have so many faces, so many layers, so many parts to ourselves. People who use multiple pronouns are showcasing the complexity of their identity to the world, and I think that’s really beautiful, because it shows others that it’s okay to embrace all the many sides of yourself at once.
Lexi Chandra (she/they): Gender is neither stable nor static, therefore multiple sets of pronouns speak to the power of gender self-determination. Toni Morrison once wrote that “definitions belong to the definers and not the defined.” Using multiple sets of pronouns is my definition, and I am the definer. There’s power in that.
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