I REALLY DON’T WANT TO
Well everyone, it’s been nearly two weeks since my first “twingle” was released and, it’s not surprising that the A-Side track (“I Really Don’t Want To”) is a song that was written based on the theme of defiance, objection, and non-conformity. Since I was a child, I have never been afraid to speak my mind or make it clear when I was not interested in doing something. One of my Mom’s favourite stories to tell about me when I was a child was when I was two years old; my Dad came into the kitchen and asked me to do something (that I didn’t want to do). My response was, “Why don’t you just go live in a tree?” He had to turn his back to me so that I wouldn’t see him laughing. I think if I did, the argument would have escalated (as it does today when we have arguments and I say something completely ridiculous to show how upset I am, and he laughs at me!)
Being the youngest of five children, I always found I had to fight over four other voices to be heard. (I’m pretty sure that’s why I speak very loudly all the time now). Although I was not a rebellious child and would always do what my parents asked of me, whether I wanted to or not, I certainly wanted them to know my feelings about it. And now, here I am world! 30 years young, and still ready to express how I feel! Thank goodness I found the medium of music to do so (And co-writers who are willing to write these songs with me!)
This song was originally inspired by a line from a movie featuring Jennifer Aniston and Mark Ruffalo called “Rumor Has It.” At the end of the movie, after Jennifer Aniston has repeatedly disappointed Mark Ruffalo’s character, she asks for his forgiveness, and he says to her, “You can’t just walk in here and tell me that you can’t live without me…” to which her response is “I’m not here to tell you I can’t live without you. I can live without you. I just don’t want to.”
That line stuck with me because, as a female who has been dumped a lot (a lot, a lot), I was always confident after a break-up that I would be fine. I mean, sure I would be upset, but I always truly believed that I had the wherewithal to bounce back! I also didn’t have much time to grieve any relationship because when I would cry on my Mom’s shoulder about it, my Dad would be right there, with no empathy whatsoever saying “Annika, he doesn’t love you. I’m confused, what’s so hard to understand? HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. Move on.” (This is why, with four daughters, breakups were usually my Mom’s department).
When I met my now husband, Spencer, I was 100% sure he was the one for me. He kept saying to me, “I’m just scared I’m going to hurt you” and I would just keep telling him, “You don’t understand, I can recover without a problem, go on and hurt me if you have to, I’ve dealt with it many times before! Now come on and fall in love with me!” Eventually, he got the hint that I would not give up and we got married a year later. And it’s true, I could live without Spencer, if I really had to….but I definitely don’t want to!
So this is my empowerment song for all of you - I hope you are brave enough to fall in love, but strong enough to pick yourself back up if it goes wrong.
Happy listening!
“I can stand on my own, I can live life alone, if that’s what I had to do. But I really don’t want to.”
