Our fear of people’s opinions (FOPO) is a hidden epidemic and a great constrictor of human potential. Our concern with what other people think about us has become an irrational, unproductive, and unhealthy obsession in the modern world, and its negative effects reach into all aspects of our lives. When we give more value to other people’s opinions than our own, we live life on their terms, not ours.
When we experience FOPO, we also lose faith in ourselves, and our performance suffers. If we’re not careful, FOPO can take over the narrative in our minds; and instead of focusing on our own thoughts and feelings, we start obsessing about the thoughts of others, and this obsession can affect our decisions and actions.
FOPO is part of the human condition because we’re operating with an ancient brain. A craving for social approval made our ancestors cautious and savvy thousands of years ago, because if the responsibility for the failed hunt fell on your shoulders, your place in the tribe could be threatened. Today, thanks to the proliferation of social media, the intense pressure to succeed, and our overreliance on external rewards, metrics, and validation, FOPO is running rampant.
It leads us to externalize our self-esteem. We see ourselves through the eyes of others. We look outside of ourselves to determine how we feel about ourselves. We will have spent our brief time on this incredible planet playing a role, inhabiting an identity, conforming to the perceived expectations of others.
Here are three exercises to help you push back against FOPO and gain rich rewards.
Turn down the spotlight
Simply recognizing that most people, to varying degrees, are moving through the world under their own spotlight—and are not focused on you—can help override your emotional programming. The moment you internalize this concept, your relationship with FOPO will change.
Ask yourself whether you spend more time judging other people or thinking about how you are being perceived by other people. Most likely, you are busier with your own world, and for other people, it’s the same. People often don’t notice or care about things we are highly conscious of ourselves. They have work, family, kids, school, health challenges. You are nearly irrelevant to most people, especially to strangers. If someone does judge you or gives you a look, remember: They don’t know you.
As an exercise, flip the script and think how you would feel being on the other side of the experience. First, pick an area where FOPO has surfaced for you. Maybe you were self-conscious of your age in a room full of younger or older people. Or you spoke up on a group call but you never landed your point.
Next, consider when you have seen someone else act in a similar manner. Put that person in the spotlight of that moment and place yourself in the position of the observer. Are you even thinking about that person’s age? If so, was it just a passing thought? When the other person lost the thread of what he was saying, did you really care, or did you shrug it off as relatable human behavior? You probably would not give those moments a second thought. They would likely seem unremarkable. For the most part, these are not moments felt and remembered by others.
Most people are too absorbed in their own lives to pay constant attention to the actions and behaviors of others. That glare is not someone shining a spotlight on you. You are shining the spotlight on yourself. Time to turn it down.
Flip the script
Confirmation bias is the tendency to filter information through a lens that fits with your entrenched beliefs about the world. To better understand how this shapes your thoughts about other people’s opinions, seek out information that challenges your beliefs. Use this information to reconsider your concerns about someone’s assumptions about you. It could be an opinion that was directly expressed or something you picked up on. For example, “My supervisor feels threatened by me, so she’s not pulling me onto the team for the new account. She’s a top-down manager who values control more than empowering people.”
First, break it into two parts: your belief and their opinion. Start with your belief. My supervisor feels threatened by me and wants to be in control. Chances are this is not the first time you’ve entertained this belief. You have something in your history that supports it. Consider whether there are other experiences that may have informed your perception of your boss. Jot down your evidence for the belief. It could be very broad and generalized: All companies want top-down control. It could be an experience you had at a previous company: My manager never had my back. It might be a specific experience with your boss: She rolled her eyes when I talked about my enthusiasm for the company’s new account. Or maybe it’s all of the above. Recognize that this is the filter through which you interpreted the opinion.
Now flip over to the other person’s opinion. In the example, she doesn't want you on the team. Play with some other interpretations of why you weren’t pulled onto the account. Even if you don’t think they’re true, indulge the idea. This might feel like a creative writing exercise. My supervisor really values me, but her hands were tied on this account because of a prior obligation to another executive. She wants to put me in a situation where I can really flourish.
The mission is to try to understand the experience from an alternative point of view and to uncouple, even briefly, from the biases you hold that may shape your perception of someone else’s opinion about you.
Phone a friend
When you have a strong immediate emotional reaction to someone’s opinion of you, whether positive or negative, pay attention to it. Resist the temptation to override or suppress it. Your reaction is full of information about what’s going on internally. Did it wash over you like a drug, confirming an idea you already held about yourself? Or did it engage your survival response and hijack your attention so your body can prepare to fight, flee, or freeze? However you respond to that opinion, the gift is in your reaction.
The next step is to tap into the wisdom of the roundtable. Bring it to someone in your circle and see if they hold the same point of view as you. Explore it with them.
Once you receive their feedback, reflect on it. The FOPO process is constructed on the illusion that we cannot trust ourselves. Journal about it: Go to that place where your thoughts are liberated from convention. Explore your reaction and the thinking that surrounds it. Understand what you are defending or embracing.
Free from FOPO, you’ll have time and energy to focus on the things that matter most.
Reprint by permission of Harvard Business Review Press. Adapted from The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying about What People Think of You.
