How to Create Your Own Wedding Ceremony
One of the major reasons I decided to specialize in small & intimate weddings is because there tends to be a strong focus on the ceremony. While of course the celebration is an important piece of the wedding day, the ceremony is the reason everyone is there in the first place! You and your partner finally have a chance to declare your love publicly and in front of those you love (and who love you!) most. Many of the couples I work with are interested in creating their own ceremonies, but it’s truly no small undertaking.
My husband and I worked with our very close friend to write our ceremony from scratch, along with our own wedding vows. While it took us a long time to get it to a place where we were happy, I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way.
The tricky part is knowing where to start, but as always, I’m here to break it all down for you—this time with a little help from Tanya Pushkine, also known as The Vow Whisperer. Tanya is based in New York but helps couples across the world express the feelings they have for one another through a collaborative process. In addition to vow writing, she also officiates, meaning she really understands every part of the ceremony creative process.
Know the Parts of the Ceremony
Processional - Walking down the aisle. There is typically only music during this part.
Welcome and/or remarks on marriage - Your officiant will welcome your guests and speak about marriage as a whole and how your relationship in particular is special and unique.
Readings & traditions - After the introduction, your officiant will facilitate any guests or family members who will come up and participate in the ceremony. This is not just for religious ceremonies! Readings can be from your favorite poems or quotes from your favorite movies. Traditions can be anything from sand pouring to planting a tree together.
Vow exchange - Here’s your time to shine. If you aren’t writing your own vows, you could combine this with part with your ring exchange.
Ring Exchange - This is where the “repeat after me” moment comes in.
Final remarks + announcement of the newlyweds - Usually kept short and sweet. Also a time that the officiant will announce anything important about where to go after the ceremony or who should stick around for photos.
Recessional - Anyone who walked down the aisle in the beginning usually walks back.
Decide which parts are for you
By no means do you have to incorporate everything in your wedding ceremony. That’s the beauty of creating your own! If you’re looking to keep it short and sweet, consider skipping readings etc. If you get stage fright, you can opt for a “repeat after me” only, but read separate vows to each other beforehand.
Start with a brainstorm session
Once you have an idea of the different parts of the ceremony you want to include, start to put pen to paper. Say you want to include some readings. Think about: which people will be taking part, if you want them to be funny or serious and if you’ll be choosing or if it will be up to the person(s) you’re asking.
Pick any traditions you’ll be performing.
For our wedding, my husband and I knew we wanted to honor our Jewish heritage without it feeling religious at all. We decided that we’d put a spin on the traditional “seven blessings”. Instead of a Rabbi reading the blessings in Hebrew and doing the symbolic walk, we used the blessings as inspiration. We chose seven themes that best reflected us as a couple and had seven friends come up and read a few sentences about how that piece fit into our lives.
Discuss the pillars of your relationship. What makes the two of you you. What stories define you? What are the types of things you always go back to when you think about your time together?
Pick a Structure
Tanya suggests the following structure:
Affirm your love
Praise your partner
Offer promises
Close with a final vow
In order to get the juices flowing, Tanya kindly shared some questions you can use to get started:
Where did you meet exactly?
Did someone introduce you? Who?
What talking points, laughs, or commonalities do you remember from your first conversation?
Describe the feeling and impression you had after parting ways.
What do you admire most about your fiancé or fiancée?
What trait(s) do you respect most about him or her?
What makes him or her laugh, time after time, without fail?
What was the first holiday you spent together? How did you celebrate, with whom, and where?
When did you each first say, “I love you?”
How long had you been together?
Pick Your Officiant
So many of the couples I work with are interested in having a family or friend officiate their wedding. I totally get it—I did the same! While it’s such an honor, it’s also a big ask. Crafting a ceremony from scratch is not only very time consuming, but also a big responsibility.
“The best thing you can do if you have asked a friend or family member to officiate is to take the burden off their shoulders” Tanya says. Do your research before asking so that you have a skeleton already in mind. “The friend or family member should really only have to write your story and his/her relationship with the couple”.
Set the Rules
Decide how you want your vows to come across.
Do you envision them as humorous?
Poetic and romantic?
How much religion or spirituality to include?
Practice, Practice, Practice
I asked Tanya what’s an essential piece of vows that couples often overlook and she mentioned practicing. “They forget that speaking the vows is just as important, if not more important than the words you have written Practicing out loud multiple times a day will ensure you become very familiar with your vows…not to memorize, but know how a sentence ends. Work on projection, enunciation, body posture, making eye contact, etc.”.
I am such a big fan of making your ceremony feel 100% authentic and true to you. I hope this helps you get started and if you need any assistance, just know it’s always ok to ask for support from vendors like The Vow Whisperer—they exist for a reason!